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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/30147048">Of forgiveness and longing</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pielotdameron/pseuds/Pielotdameron'>Pielotdameron</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Autistic Obi-Wan Kenobi, Canon Divergence - The Clone Wars: Rako Hardeen Arc, Gen, Obi-Wan Kenobi Gets a Hug, Obi-Wan Kenobi Needs a Hug, Post-Rako Hardeen Arc (Star Wars: Clone Wars), Rako Hardeen Arc (Star Wars: Clone Wars), missing home and his clones, sensory issues</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 12:01:37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,618</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/30147048</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pielotdameron/pseuds/Pielotdameron</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Obi-Wan didn’t expect his time as Rako Hardeen to be pleasant, but he also didn’t think it would be quite so unbearable.</p><p>He’ll have to make do.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>CC-2224 | Cody/Obi-Wan Kenobi, Obi-Wan Kenobi &amp; Ahsoka Tano, Obi-Wan Kenobi &amp; Anakin Skywalker, Obi-Wan Kenobi &amp; CT-6116 | Kix</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>145</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Of forgiveness and longing</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>In this au Kix is Obi-Wan’s padawan, which is why he looks to him for comfort and forgiveness.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Obi-Wan’s first thought, when the council tell him his new mission, is that he had a few new and inventive ways lightsabers could be used and where the council. Could put them. His second thought, however, is an agreeing hum and a solemn nod, which is unfortunately the one his body chooses to act out as he listens to Mace explain the regulations and plans for said solo mission.</p><p>Pretend to be killed by Rako Hardeen. Steal his identity. Commit a crime and get turned in to prison. Befriend atrocious criminals, learn the plans of said criminals. Return home in time for dinner.</p><p>Easy enough.</p><p>Except he can’t tell anyone. Not Anakin, not Ahsoka, not Cody, not Kix. None of them are allowed to know. They have to believe wholeheartedly that he is dead. So Obi-Wan had to not only take on a whole new life, but he also had to risk permanently losing his current one.</p><p>Easy enough.</p><p>“I will head to the temple roof forthwith. Goodbye Masters.” Obi-Wan still bows, although he feels absolutely sick to the stomach with worry. How could he ever go though with something so despicable? He was never going to be forgiven. Not even if he begged.</p><p>Obi-Wan Kenobi steps out onto the temple roof and sighs, greeting his death with a forlorn smile.</p><p>-</p><p>Fuck.</p><p>That just about summed up Obi- Rako Hardeen’s day.</p><p>The second they’d given him the awful orange jumpsuit he knew he’d need every inch of his self-restraint not to cry. It was actually impressive, and he awarded himself a mental point for not having a more visible reaction to the awful texture of whatever cloth they used. After spending the day in textures he despised, he really thought the food would be the end of the line and he’d give up his disguise.</p><p>He tried; he really did. Kix might not forgive him after this stunt, but he also didn’t want to let him down, so he forced himself to eat a few mouthfuls of the slop. But something is chewy, and he’s so close to crying he thinks its a minor miracle nobody here has noticed. The tray is pushed away before he can think about it, and he quietly prays for at least the small mercy of having a cell to himself, have some water at least to try and wash away the textures that feel like they are crawling over his skin.</p><p>He sits through the rest of the time silently, evaluating which cell mate here would be the biggest threat, which would possibly let him live, which could be allies. Maybe of he gets particularly lucky he’ll be alone to finally come to terms with what he’s done.</p><p>No such luck.</p><p>When his leg brushes the cheap prison mattress, Obi-Wan decides that he’s definitely in hell. Not only does it squeak, but it also makes it rub against his skin. He’s seconds away from begging the guards for a reprieve he knows he won’t get. They’ll laugh, tell him he’s a terrible criminal and likely find some miraculous way of making his life more of a he’ll.</p><p>He wants Cody. He needs to be held, in his comfortable robe, preferably not touching anything at all. Just safe, and away.</p><p>He wants Kix. He needs the understanding, the lack of judgement when he can’t quite handle something he should be able to.</p><p>He wants Anakin. He needs the familiarity, the age-old bond of recognition, of words without ever speaking.</p><p>He wants Ahsoka. He needs her eager brightness, her willingness to learn, to have something to protect and fight for.</p><p>But he doesn’t have them. And he’s both surprised and not that he finds himself with no idea what to do. Checking to make sure nobody is watching him in the near darkness, he wraps his arms around himself in a pathetic hug. He instinctively goes to play with his hair to calm himself, but the galaxy is cruel, and he can’t even have that.</p><p>Playing the villain was fun for maybe an hour. Now he just wants to go home.</p><p>--</p><p>Somehow the next morning is worse. He doesn’t know how, but it is, and he wakes with a large hand on the back of his head and a very /very/ unpleasant pillow shoved against his face. He struggles, flipping around and kicking out his legs at his attacker. There’s one thing Hardeen’s body is useful for: longer limbs. He practically launches off the bed and scrambles to get down to the mess – not out of any real desire to eat breakfast, just to get away from the terrifying creature that is Moralo Eval.</p><p>Breakfast is delicious. Not.</p><p>The next piece of “food" that ends up being alarmingly chewy slop is going to make Obi-Wan commit crimes he wouldn’t normally dream of. He’s tired, he didn’t sleep even a wink, and yet the thought of closing his eyes is the least appealing thing so far, and that’s saying something.</p><p>Force...he hopes he’ll be forgiven if he gets home. He misses them, terribly. Can’t help but wonder how Castaña is doing, whether his lothcat had even breathed in the last hours. He feels so ill...so very ill. But there’s nothing he can do if he doesn’t want to blow his cover, so he pushes through the physical cringe that hurts his shoulders to resist and eats the next spoonful.</p><p>How anybody made something so awful and named it food was anyone’s guess. In fact Obi-Wan would gladly give credits to someone who bet they never tried it. The texture is so bad... oh its so bad. Obi-Wan cups his hands under the table, trying to silence the hall around himself so he has more of a chance of eating...</p><p>Okay no that was definitely something chewy. If he’d built up any sort of appetite at all while with Kix and Cody it was long gone. He feels queasy and once again his tray is pushed away near untouched.</p><p>“What’s wrong Hardeen? Food not up to your standards?” A child – Boba? – sneers at him from across the table. Right. He’s Rako Hardeen. Obi-Wan Kenobi is dead.</p><p>“Oh yeah, you’d think a Jedi killer would get more to eat!” Says the voice leaving his mouth that isn’t his own. Jedi Killer.... sweet force he’s not one for holding grudges but he’s not talking to the council ever again after this.</p><p>“Well, why don’t you show us what you’ve got then Hardeen?” Eval grins like a cat hunting, eyes glaring into Obi-Wan’s soul. He hates eye contact. Rako Hardeen's voice seems to echo across the hall.</p><p>“See if I care!” Play hard to get. Those were his orders. He shifts his hands into fists like he isn’t actually dying inside slowly. Before he knows what happened Boba is leaping onto his back and tackling him to the stone floors of the mess hall, punching at his shoulders with surprising strength. He growls lowly and flips the child over his head, careful not to let him hit the ground with full force. What was a simple verbal sparring match is soon an all-out war, and Obi-Wan ducks and swerves as everyone begins to punch one another’s lights out, including the clone guards, who Obi-Wan winces internally for.</p><p>“This way, Hardeen.” Eval grabs Obi-Wan’s arm and drags him away, giving him no time to look back.</p><p>--</p><p>The ship was broken. Oh but of course it was, because simply looking his enemy in the eye every moment wasn’t enough, but he also had to look death in the eye and cheat him too. The fireball that was their ticket out isn’t quite done yet, and Obi-Wan just about manages to turn their nosedive into a survivable crash landing.</p><p>“Well played Hardeen, you nearly got us killed!” The modulated voice of Cad Bane mutters somewhere near his ear. To close to his ear, enough so that he feels metal. Typical. Yet another horrible texture to add to his list tonight.</p><p>“Moralo Eval does not appreciate crash landings, Rako Hardeen. Do it again and you will be left behind!” As the two prisoners step off the ship, clearly trying not to be noticed, Obi-Wan lets his head thunk against the steering for just a moment, just long enough to clear his throat and quickly scan the force for threats.</p><p>But he inevitably joins them outside, and doesn’t intervene when they start threatening village folk, doesn’t intervene when they cause a mess. In fact, he even joins in, overturning tables and stealing firearms from the unsuspecting.</p><p>He’s never felt worse about a mission.</p><p>-</p><p>Mission complete.</p><p>Mission complete.</p><p>Mission complete.</p><p>Obi-Wan slumps down against the wall and screws his eyes shut, waiting tensely for the moment Mace and the other councillors arrive. Apparently, he – or him as Rako Hardeen anyway – has to be there to say goodbye to the Chancellor and send him on his way. Obi-Wan just wants to go home. He’s still scared... he wouldn’t blame Cody and Kix if they never spoke to him again. Anakin is walking closer, and Obi-Wan feels his heart rate picking up, eyes widening a second too late as a fist connects hard with his jaw. He doesn’t cry out, just stands there shocked as Anakin seethes.</p><p>“FUCK YOU OBI-WAN! YOURE A HEARTLESS BASTARD!” there’s shouting...oh...Anakin is really upset. Obi-Wan feels numb, shaking on the spot as he tries his hardest not to crack, not to give up too quickly or cave into Anakin’s fury. Ahsoka moves to pull her Master away, followed by Kix, who pushes him back very gently. It’s an out. Obi-Wan takes one glance around and breaks into a sprint, tears burning at his eyes as he makes for the halls of healing. For the first time in his life, he couldn’t wait for them to operate on him. He needs his own voice back. He’s so frantic to get there he doesn’t see Cody until it’s too late, crashing headfirst into him. Heart stuttering and skipping a beat he claps a hand over his mouth and backs away, already moving to run. Cody doesn’t so much as whisper a word to him, and Obi-Wan sobs quietly into his hand as he barges into the med bay.</p><p>“I want it gone.” Rako Hardeen’s voice. Still Rako Hardeen’s voice.</p><p>“Of course, sir, right this way.” The med droid whirs as Obi-Wan cries for the first time in days.</p><p>-</p><p>Obi-Wan wakes in the apartment.</p><p>That can’t be right... Obi-Wan shoots upright with a wince, glancing around frantically. That’s not right... something is wrong. Where’s-</p><p>“Calm, Obi-Wan, calm down.” A gentle hand pushes him down into soft blankets and he tries to steady his breathing, glancing around anxiously. That’s Kix’s voice. How could it be Kix... Kix should hate him. Why would...</p><p>“Are you with me buir?” Obi-Wan flinches away, only further confused. Why in the force would Kix be here taking care of him? He eventually nods, still clearly dazed.</p><p>“Alright. Can I touch? I need to heal you, since you managed to get yourself so roughed up.” Kix...doesn’t sound mad. He should sound mad. Why wasn’t he mad? Obi-Wan puts a hand on his head, trying to calm down. After a few moments of his head feeling like it’s going to cave in, he nods slowly.</p><p>“Thank you burc'ya.” Kix talks as he works, gently removing the blanket Obi-Wan has wrapped around him. There’re bandages across his chest, and Kix goes about taking them off as gently as he can.</p><p>“I brought you home because I figured you’d feel safer here and be more likely to let me treat you. Although you’re welcome to leave again if you wish.” The last part was clearly a slip of the tongue, because Kix winces almost as hard as Obi-Wan does, hands shaking where they were placed carefully at his sides, flexing against his blanket. Nice. Good. Good texture, finally. Some of his queasiness fades as he lightly strokes his fingers over the blanket a few times, hardly even noticing that Kix is still working until he accidentally pulls the bandages too tight.</p><p>“Ow.” That’s his own voice. That’s his own voice! Raspy and clearly damaged by the vocal inhibitor but definitely his own.</p><p>“Sorry burc'ya but you sustained some serious damage to the chest and upper back. I assume you were thrown back against a pillar or solid surface with considerable force.” Kix is speaking softly, like one would address a particularly startled animal. Obi-Wan certainly feels like one, hands gripping his hair.</p><p>
  <em>Sweet force Anakin was actually going to kill him! Obi-Wan ducks desperately away from his padawan, loathing that he couldn’t even use the force to stop all the rocks getting stuck to him mid motion. A metal fist comes flying towards him before he knows what is happening, and it’s instinct alone that has him rolling sharply to the right, kicking Anakin away. His padawan lands on his feet and is immediately rushing forwards again, putting Rako Hardeen in a constant forced defensive. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“ILL KILL YOU FOR WHAT YOU DID! ILL KILL YOU FOR TAKING OBI-WAN FROM ME!” Obi-Wan really couldn’t help his flinch at the yelling, which he hoped would later be played off as a simple reaction to his life being threatened. It isn’t as easy to explain the way he tears up as he flips a sedative syringe into his hand from his belt, prepared to do anything to make sure he didn’t have to kill his brother. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I am...so sorry.” A deep voice that Obi-Wan is beginning to see as his own says quietly, and he lurches forwards to ram the syringe into the side of Anakin’s neck, who in a last-ditch effort to kill him sends him flying back /hard/ against the cliff face behind him, knocking all remaining air from his lungs.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You damn ugly.... bastard.... I’ll kill you.” Anakin takes a few moments to fall unconscious, but Obi-Wan is already sprinting away, trying to get as far away from-</em>
</p><p>“Burc'ya! Are you with me?” Fingers are being snapped lightly in front of his face as Obi-Wan snaps back into reality with a panicked gasp for air. He can’t... nothing feels right anymore, and why is Kix here treating him like he always had? He should loathe Obi-Wan! Never talk to him again!</p><p>“Oh, Master what happened...” Kix is so gentle when he cups Obi-Wan’s cheek, yet he still flinches away like he’d been slapped. Frowning, the medic retreats temporarily, returning with what looks like a steaming cup of tea. That would be too god to be true, surely, he couldn’t-?</p><p>“Here, Obi-Wan. You’re exhausted.” Obi-Wan wraps shaking hands tightly around the mug, hiccupping a quiet sob into the tea as he tries to drink, trembling far too much. Kix’s hands cradle his own, helping him take slow sips of tea. Gradually, as he realises it isn’t spiked or chewy or prison slop, Obi-Wan can hold it on his own, sighing softly in both physical and mental relief. Kix is right. He’s so damn tired. He needs...</p><p>“Kix...” He doesn’t think he can call him baar’ur anymore, lost that right when he faked his own death. “Can I please... could I... have a hug?” He has no right to ask for one, it isn’t his anymore-</p><p>“Of course, Obi, of course.” Kix scoops him up into his lap and into a tender hug. Before Obi-Wan has even registered tears starting, he’s sobbing quietly into Kix’s shoulder, being shushed gently.</p><p>Obi-Wan Kenobi may have been broken that mission.</p><p>But he could also be fixed, with a little bit of patience and care.</p>
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